I phrase I didn’t realise could be so heart breaking..obviously R knows this is effectively my emotional cryptonite, so repeats adfinitum especially at bed time…how can you not just hug a little tighter when your two year old says that….my husband told me the other day that R pointed to a picture of me and said “mummy miss.” I can’t bear the thought of that small being, half me would spend any time in his day actually missing me…but then again, I would want to be missed just a little bit, at least…
I have tried to explain (for reasons not really known to myself) that you can’t generally miss someone when they are right with you..but perhaps you can; I feel that the concept of missing someone or something is quite adult; being without. After all, you have to have had it there in the first place to actually miss it. Like, I don’t miss the size 6 dress I never bought (or would never fit in to) or the Verve cliquot I never managed to finish in the south of France…but I do miss my son, when I’m not with him and wonder what he is up to..I cling to the debrief in minutiae that my husband or R’s granny will give me- did he nap?how long?how was he when he woke up?did he eat lunch?how much?any fruit?any poos?did you do jigsaws, the park, see friends?luckily I am humoured in this and dutifully provided with the information. It settles my psyche to hear that he’s been absolutely fine without me.. the mum guilt thing surprised me the most when becoming a new parent; I think I’m getting slowly used to it…already thinking about taking annual leave for the harvest festival..
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